The countdown to Big Four begins…

It’s less than two weeks to the Big Four now, and I’m getting antsy.

I’m not sure this will sink in until Anthrax hits the stage thirteen days and approximately 16 hours from now. This is a show I have literally wanted to happen since I was 14, as it was for every other friend I had when I was 14. I’m guessing that some of them are still hoping for it as well. I’m flying across the frigging country for it, and somehow my wife hasn’t been anything but supportive of this venture, possibly because she was moved by the shimmering, single tear that glistened in my eye when they announced that it would only play California. Or, perhaps she was so sick of hearing me talk about it that she’s got some sort of Zen weekend planned for when I’m gone for more thrash metal in one sitting than is probably medically-acceptable. She’s also a hot little rock chick, so she gets it.

Why, might one ask, did it take upwards of twenty years for such a tour to take place? My guess is Metallica couldn’t find time in their schedule of first becoming insanely huge, melting down almost entirely before the entire human race in “Some Kind of Monster,” and becoming insanely huge again.

So what might we be able to expect from said show? I offer some possibilities:

1. The Grim Reaper himself will show up, poetically, during “Angel of Death” to claim a member of Slayer, who have been plagued with health issues since “World Painted Blood” was released in 2009. Perhaps they’ve reached that hallowed point in every black metal band’s career where they’re actually frightening the Devil him/herself and Big Jack can’t let that shit go unchecked. In any case, members of Exodus, Cannibal Corpse, Testament, Sepultura, the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra, and every guitarist signed by Metal Blade Records between 1984 and 1990 will be standing by to finish out the set.

2. Dave Mustaine, finally at peace with the Metallica / Megadeth feud, will bring himself closure by performing “Kill Em All” in it’s entirety, after which he will invite Metallica to perform a Megadeth song as a gesture of goodwill–whereupon Mustaine will sweep in from the wings, accuse them of stealing his songs, fall off the wagon, and the gloves are off for Round Two, baby!

3. Due to his reluctance to swear onstage since becoming sober, James Hetfield will replace every use of the word ‘fuck’ with a nonsense word, upon which Slayer will quickly invite the Grim Reaper to take a member of Metallica instead, because Slayer thinks that’s fucking silly. (Slayer thinks everything is silly, except for blood, evil, evil sex, murder, and Satan. And frankly, hearing Tom Araya say things on their official site like, “looking forward to a fun day,” while endearing, does feel a little weird and perhaps justifies the need for at least some blood and evil.)

4. Joey Belladonna will finally admit what Anthrax fans have known all along: hair extensions.

5. Amber-encased replicas of the “Spider That Tried To Kill Jeff Hanneman” will be sold at the merch table for $300 with proceeds going to the World Wildlife Foundation. Later, it will be discovered that these ‘replicas’ were actually the only remaining members of the species, which Rick Rubin had hunted and eliminated while Jeff recuperated. Don’t fuck with Big Daddy Rubin–it’s “Reign In Blood”s 25th anniversary and he’s a little emotional right now.

6. Anthrax will conclude their set with a slideshow presentation of Scott Ian’s wife’s sonograms. Contrary to the expectations of many crowd members, Slayer will not have have a problem with this, as Kerry King secretly loves cuddly babies.*

7. Megadeth’s set will be cut short due to Lars drunkenly challenging Shawn Drover to a tennis duel. Drover will win, providing further vindication for Mustaine and spawning the lead single from Megadeth’s next album, “Rackethead.” Lars will later claim said match never happened.

8. For old time’s sake, James Hetfield will offer Dave Mustaine a ride after the show, and when Mustaine wakes up two days later, Hetfield will leave him by the roadside in downstate New York.

9. The ghost of Paul Baloff will appear, declare everyone on the polo field a ‘poser,’ and destroy the Big Four in one fell swoop. Members of Exodus, Cannibal Corpse, Testament, Sepultura, the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra, and every guitarist signed by Metal Blade Records between 1984 and 1990 will be standing by to finish out the set.

10. Megadeth will publicly disband as Metallica, overcome by nostalgia, welcome Dave back while firing Kirk live onstage, who will promptly rejoin Exodus, and the circle will be complete.

11. I will be operating on much caffeine and oscillating between rapturous joy, insanity, and tears for the duration of the day. Hope to see you all there. Long live the Big Four!

Note: The author takes no responsibility for the actual occurrence of any events listed above, because that would be fucking silly, and I don’t want to piss off Kerry King.

* with generous amounts of sauerkraut and mustard