Thrash Metal Odyssey: Day 1

I have arrived in the promised land.

Actually, I’m (according to Google Maps) 1 hour and 38 minutes from the promised land, which, as of tomorrow, will be Indio. Currently, I’m in Ontario, California, on very little sleep and trying to comprehend the gravity of what I’m going to witness tomorrow – the first and only (so far) Big Four show in the U.S.

In the interest of preserving the moment because A) I’m tired, B) after tomorrow, today will be a blur, and C) the fact that I’m easily amused by anything foreign to me, like a Starbucks with palm trees outside, I shall break this down in a spy-esque narrative.

2:30 am – 5:00 am: Tiredly deal with the staggering combo of apathy and incompetence from the O’Hare staff. The point of a self-check station is so that I can check myself in.  What part of this is difficult to implement?

9:00 am – Arrive at the Ontario Airport, starving, and discover that TGI Friday’s serves breakfast here, with…plastic flatware? :/ Odd. Over two cups of coffee so strong I think it was actually a mistake (but seems perfect to me), I listen to a woman behind me argue with an unnamed family member about how he’s wasting his inheritance.  Loser.

10:00 am – Check into my hotel five hours early, which brings me to the revelation that everyone in California, thus far, is so friendly I expect sugar and butterfly wings just to pour out of their mouths when they talk.  My room?  A $300 per night mofo that I got for about a sixth of that.  Thank you, Bestfares.  I shall tell tales of your compassion.

10:11 am – Think about Metallica fondly.

10:14 am – More coffee.

10:19 am – Look at Scott Ian’s Twitter pics of the guitars he’s using tomorrow and think of Anthrax fondly.

10:33 am – Take shower.  Immediately following, think of Slayer fondly.  (Not in that context, you twisted fucks.)

10:41 am – Drink my gigantic four-dollar bottle of hotel water and think of Megadeth fondly.

10:50 am – Realize that no amount of coffee will change the fact that I haven’t slept in more than a day.

11:00 am – Decide to go to the Ontario Mills Mall.

Here’s the thing about the Ontario Mills Mall.  It’s fucking huge.  Like, seriously huge.  I heard someone say it was the biggest mall west of the Mississippi, and I wouldn’t be surprised.  It would have taken less time to walk across the island of St. Croix on our honeymoon than to explore every corner of this mall.   From 1:oo pm to 3:30 or so, I take a silent inventory of the stores my wife would lose her mind over, in addition to the following:

–Buy freshly baked Toll House cookies (from the Toll House store) from two girls who notice my KISS shirt, somehow make a connection, and ask if I’m going to the “Final Four” concert tomorrow.  (Apparently, the UConn guys moonlight as speed-metalers.)  I say that I am, and I’m then informed that A) they knew because I look like a “rock guy,” and I won’t argue with this, B)  a better show would be Metallica, Alice in Chains, Queen, and Godsmack, which is wrong, C) upon my ordering a “Mexican Wedding” cookie, a joke the employees like to play on each other is renaming a cookie each weekend after something offensive to different ethnic groups.  I take my cookies and leave the girls to their laughter, wondering how long it’ll be until one of them is shot and left to bleed all over the brownies. 

–Ruin my shirt with slobber upon seeing a limited edition Red Marshall amp.  I’m buying this.  I’m not sure when, but I’m buying it.

–Discover that Ontario has more cell-phone accessory kiosks per square foot than any other place in America.  And the twentysomething entrepreneurs push them like used cars or hookers, aggressively and greasily like snake-oil salesmen.  It’s a pink bedazzled 4G case, dude – I looked like a rock guy to the Toll House girls.  What the fuck?

–Discover a DVD / CD warehouse going out of business, and manage to only buy two CDs, one of which will appear in this space soon in the Unsung Album series.

–Discover a lifesized cardboard stand-up of Kerry King holding a Marshall amp, leading to the revelation that I am doing a fairly good job of distracting myself from the fact that I’m seeing Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax A.L.L. T.O.G.E.T.H.E.R. tomorrow.

And with that in mind, and with my first In N’ Out Burger resting peacefully in my gut, I retire until tomorrow, which will be followed by a full recap of the pr0ceedings.

And now, a brief photo journal:

The Red Marshall – aka, “My New & Future Amp,” and the closest I will get to Kerry King this weekend.